9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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