I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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