I love black thongs
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
