WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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