Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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