Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
