Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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