There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
