An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize