Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
