I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
