my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
