i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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