he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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