Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
