The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Semen is not good for contacts.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize