The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
