ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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