Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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