Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
