Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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