she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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