I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
