dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
