the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
