my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
