About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
