Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
