How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
