the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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