My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize