All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
