Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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