I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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