just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I understand Curling. That high.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
