You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
