if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
