When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
