My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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