i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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