I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
