my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
