i think my mom watched the whole time
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
