She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize