you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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