Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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