the day after is always just damage control
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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