Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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