Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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