Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
