I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
