youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
