so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My feet surprised me
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