Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
