Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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