Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
