somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
