Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
