Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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