Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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